Monday, November 2, 2009

The plan. Every Batman needs a plan.

This blog owes a whole lot to E. Paul Zahr's book Becoming Batman, which my wife picked up for me at the library because I have noted, on several occasions, my prurient interest in becoming a vigilante. While the book itself is a whole lot of tedious kinesthesiology, the idea is great, and that's what I'm going with: to, through diet and exercise and training, turn myself into Batman.

This is going to be rough; I'm 30 years old and in the worst shape of my life. I'm easily 30 pounds overweight, a heavy smoker and drinker, with nonexistent willpower. Over the course of the last few years, I've transformed my 5'11" frame from that of a willowy hipster to a chunky, heavy-breathing oaf who is winded by trips to the bathroom and whose idea of healthful behavior is drinking vodka and sodas instead of beer. A few times a year, I'll try some dumbass diet and then backslide, finding myself in bed with a pile of chili-cheese tater tots, watching Buffy and bemoaning my lethargy. It's time for a change. It's time to become Batman.

My plan for the beginning stages goes like this:

Quit drinking. Seriously, man. Give it a rest.

Curb/quit smoking. This might be the most difficult task, since I've been a heavy smoker for considerably more than half my life—but you don't see the Dark Knight fumbling for a lighter while lurking atop a cathedral, do you?

Eat things that aren't terrible for me. This means going the Caveman Diet route, which means nuts, fruits, vegetables and protein, preferably wrested from the jaws of a saber-toothed cat.

Jog daily. I used to run often. It's time to start that again, beginning with maybe only two or three miles a day and working up to a whole lot more.

Work out daily. First, we'll start with lots of cardio and light weight training. When I've slimmed down enough, we can move onto the next phase, which means actual training. And martial arts. (What, you think supervillains' asses are going to kick themselves?)

From this basis, I can work up to the rest, like become a billionaire and make a bulletproof outfit. Every journey begins with a single step, right? A single step with an awesome armored boot? Let's do this.


  1. I think you'll become a billionaire before you quit smoking and/or jog more than 2 days in a row.

  2. Nice to see you're still quite the complete asshole.

  3. If I was going to be a billionaire vigilante I think I'd go more for Iron Man so I could keep drinking and smoking (technology FTW) ;)

  4. Quit drinking altogether? Come on, man, I'm sure even Batman still has a martini from time to time. Maybe just "quit drinking so heavily" would be more successful. Definitely quit smoking, though, unless you decide to become Wolverine instead.

  5. Batman sure is sensitive! (Cackle),

    -The Joker

  6. This is a far better idea than last years, when you attempted to become batboy.